The manly guide to being depressed for the rest of your life
Welcome reader! Are you a manly man?
Do you thirst for sarcastic knowledge on how to be depressed for the rest of your life?
Have no fear, Adam is here with 10 manly tips on how to be depressed for the rest of your life.
This sarcastic article was written after a particularly awful therapy session that left me feeling frustrated and irritated.
I will probably write about the session, and add it to my therapy log, but for now this is what is going up LOL.
Ignore all your problems
Ignore all of your problems. Bury them deep down inside and make sure they never ever come up.
It’s not like your body will manifest your deep psychological wounds into physical symptoms such as high blood pressure, headaches, muscle knots, insomnia, hypersomnia, and fatigue so put those emotions down the deepest, darkest corners of your self and let em fester.
Don't tell others about your problems
Not sharing your feelings and struggles is a great way to stay depressed for the rest of your life.
Not sharing your struggles with others will help ensure that you are unable to connect and have meaningful relationships. As an added bonus, it will keep you from knowing that everyone else is struggling with their own problems many similar to your own.
Tell yourself and everyone else that therapy is a sign of weakness.
Tell yourself that going to therapy is for the weak.
Let’s face it, only the weak go to therapy. It is super easy to admit you need help and share your struggles with a complete stranger.
Besides, you have been surviving like this for so long you might as well just keep surviving.
So what if therapy might give you the tools you need to become a better, stronger you.
You might have to face your inner fears, and endure intense emotional pain that you can’t die from. Sounds pretty weak to me. Facing your fears, feeling the pain, and growing from those experiences is what weak people do.
Good thing you are one of the strong ones, you get to pretend like nothing bothers you, and project your misery on others.
Avoid creativity at all cost
Avoid creativity at all costs.
Creativity is the kryptonite of depression so you want to stay clear of it as much as possible.
Avoid all things that have to do with your mind, hands, and soul.
Remember, self expression kills depression so make sure you can’t express yourself in any way shape or form.
Constantly self medicate
You know what the best prescription for depression is? ALCOHOL!
That’s right, alcohol is one of the best prescriptions for staying depressed, it is after all a depressant so make sure you drown out all of your problems, then heave them back up and out of you.
With alcohol you sleep like a baby. SUUUUURE, it keeps you out of REM sleep, throws your hormones out of whack, and with enough time, money, and a little bit of luck can destroy your liver, and your life.
Not a fan of alcohol? There are plenty of other things to self medicate with. Here are just a few:
Men and Women
Low nutrition, high reward foods
If it gives you a shot of adrenaline or dopamine, rest assured you can self medicate with it.
Do not self reflect
Self reflection is a form of mental masturbation and should be avoided as much as creativity.
If you look at yourself for too long, you might accidentally discover the habits, and patterns that help feed your depression, and we can’t have that now can we?!
Unless of course you want to discover those negative habits and make them even worse, then by all means, self reflect to your hearts content.
Constantly distract yourself
Constantly distract yourself with as much worthless information as humanly possible.
Hop on instagram to see how much more perfect and interesting everyone else’s curated life is pretending to be.
Join a facebook group for depression, and yell at anyone who tries to point out those truths that you are not willing to accept.
Escape the harsh realities of life through playing video games from sun up to sun down, but don’t get any better at them, because that might inadvertently make you feel better about yourself so tread with care.
Do not practice good hygene
Avoid taking showers and brushing your teeth.
Proper hygiene makes you smell pretty, and pretty is for pussies.
It also makes you feel good so I cannot in good faith recommend taking a nice hot shower, soaking in a bathtub, or keeping your teeth and breath fresh n clean.
Pay attention to your posture
Don’t accidentally put yourself in a power stance. Always keep your head down, eyes towards the ground and your shoulders slouched to ensure that what little confidence you do have is somewhere below your feet.
Reflect the right energy
Always have the look of anger, distain, or the need to drop a deuce.
This will ensure that no one accidentally smiles at you, after all, your reality is simply a reflection of your own energy so make sure you are putting out as much negativity as your face can muster.
The wrinkles on your forehead will be a constant reminder that you want to be depressed for the rest of your life.
So there you have it Manly men. In conclusion just remember these 10 things, and you will be well on your way to staying depressed for the rest of your life.
Ignore all your problems - The body will definitely not pick up the compensate for your amazing ability to ignore your problems
Don’t tell anyone else about your problems - It is super important to hide your vulnerable side and so you feel helpless and alone.
Tell yourself and others that people who go to therapy are weak - Hiding from what is bothering you is the strongest kind of strong.
Avoid creativity at all cost! - It will KILL your depression.
Constantly medicate with as many things as you think your body can handle.
Do not self reflect - Don’t touch that shit!
Constantly distract yourself - Dissociate to your hearts content, stay oblivious all the way to the nursing home where it will be just you and your mind.
Pay attention to your posture and make sure it says I have no confidence.
Reflect the right energy - The negative kind!
The idea behind this post
The thought of a sarcastic post about depression has been swirling around in my head for a few weeks now.
I didn't know how to pull it out of my thoughts, and get in down in words until I yesterday's therapy gave session.
The idea behind this post is that we seem to easily latch on to negative thoughts as if they are more powerful.
I decided to go with sarcasticaly negative tips that have very clear, powerful opposites and hopefully let them contrast on their own.