I learned about death by accidentally killing something as a child

I learned about death by accidentally killing something as a child


The horrible way I learned about death & how I forgave myself

 My drawing of this painful memory.

My drawing of this painful memory.

Letting go of painful past memories

Have you ever had a memory that sticks to you like a wound that just won't heal?   Perhaps you buried it for a long time, only to accidentally dig it back up and catch a big whiff reminding you why you buried it in the first place.

This is one of those memories.   This section will be collecting them.   It is time for me to start uncovering the pain of my past.    I hope if I relive these memories through writing them down I can release the immense amount of energy required to numb and forget them.

How and where I learned about death

On a farm up in small barn loft.

I am unable to remember how old I was, but my best guess is 4 or 5 years old

I remember being around some other small blonde boy who I assume I am there to play with.   I have very little recollection of who it was but I remember us playing for awhile. 

For some reason I was left unsupervised with a baby bird of some type.   I am pretty sure it was a duckling.   

This baby duckling was:

  • Slender

  • Yellow

  • Soft

  • Warm

  • Making little duck noises.

I wanted to help him fly

I remember the thudding sound as the baby duckling hit on the boards below.   I remember the circular puff dust slowly swirling out all directions from the impact.

The duckling hopped up and I went down and picked him up.   Confused as to why he didn't fly we climbed the ladder loft for another shot.   I really wanted to help this duck learn to fly.   

After the second attempt the little duckling wasn't making his baby noises anymore.  From what I remember he wasn't doing much of anything but I decided that we were going to try again.

After the third attempt he was completely limp.   

I didn't understand what was going on.   

I wondered if he was just sleeping.

Bits and pieces of memory

I vaguely remember taking the limp duckling into the house to tell the adult that there was something wrong.  I don't remember if I told her that I tried to help him fly, but the look on her face told me I had done something very bad or perhaps it was just that something very bad happened.    

To the baby duckling

I am so sorry

Baby duck, I am so sorry.   

I didn't recognize your pain.

Please forgive me.

I didn't know any better.

I am sorry I tried to forget you all of these years.

I am not going to keep you buried any more.

I am going to take you to my beach so you can swim in the shallow pools and fly when you are ready.

QUESTIONS 

  • Why was I left alone to do this to a poor helpless creature?

  • Will this actually help?

  • Will people think I am a monster?

  • Do I care?

  • Can I forgive myself?

Death stories

I wish I could say that this was the only death related story that I have to tell, but I have at least 1 more regret / guild story I need to uncover in the future.   

what are your thoughts about this article?

Leave a comment below.

 

Patient perspective on EMDR therapy for PTSD and depression

Patient perspective on EMDR therapy for PTSD and depression

5 personal tips for improving your therapy & counseling sessions

5 personal tips for improving your therapy & counseling sessions