Got in a fight with my partner now I’m living in my van
Relationship story | Fighting with partner, mentally checking out and living in my van.
So it’s been quite a while since I posted anything on my blog.
My apologies, I have been traveling, exploring, and fighting with my partner which you will learn more about below.
I currently do not have access to a computer so I am unable to format my post as I normally would.
What you will find in this relationship story article
Fighting with my partner
Coming back to reality
Living in my van
Starting to feel normal again
While doing all this I have been following my fasting protocol and am very pleased to report that things are going well.
I have had 2 therapy sessions since my last post both of which were talk therapy sessions. Talk therapy is like a breath of fresh air compared to EMDR.
Fighting with my partner story
in other news my partner and I have been at each other‘s throats ever since I got back from my road trip.
I had a depression relapse if you can even call it that. More like a mental checked out for a few days where I, a vegan, trying to be healthy dqecided to pull out my old weapons of choice when it comes to self harm.
I went to McDonald’s and gorged myself on McChicken sandwiches and cheeseburgers until I was sick.
After that I’m pretty sure I was basically in a food coma for the next day or so as I was completely ignoring my partner as well as all of my responsibilities.
Back in my worst times this would have been going on for weeks or even months which is pretty much how I got up to my highest weight ever.
Mentally checking out is such an easy thing for me to do and for the longest time I had no idea I was even doing it. After breaking my out of my old habit I realized that even with my fasting, therapy and everything else. I have an incredibly long road head of me.
Coming back to reality
When I finally came to it was pretty much a week later. My partner was talking about things I had done and said that I don’t remember whatsoever which is difficult for me as well as my partner.
We have been at the point of talking about divorce which neither of us want, but both can agree that all signs saying that we shouldn’t be together.
With me out of my check out mode, my nothingness was replaced with tremendous amounts of annoyance, irritation, and anger at the presence of my partner.
Living in my van
I felt like I needed a reset. I needed to take a step back from all of the anger and irritation I have been feeling so I decided that I would go live in my van parked at our new house.
I guess I was hoping that getting some distance would help with some of these undeserved emotions.
Of course I did not communicate any of this to my spouse in any way shape or form so she was left in the dark for a few days. I did communicate that I didn’t know what I was doing but that’s about it.
On the positive side I did not do what I normally would have done which is head for the hills.
I chose to stay at the greenhouse so I could think about stuff and work to get the house ready even if it means that I am not living in it.
Making myself uncomfortable in the van
My van was filled with stuff from my trip still on the day that I was supposed to be out of the house. I did this intentionally to make myself uncomfortable possibly as a punishment for not being able to communicate and ending up in the situation to begin with.
After a couple days of being surrounded, blocked, poked, and prodded by various hard objects of the furniture/household type I decided to turn the van into it livable space again. I needed to get some comfort and good rest.
Starting to feel normal again.
I have started to make a conscious effort to speak to my partner and let her know what my thoughts are. I know I need to do this more, a lot more but I find it incredibly difficult. It almost feels like it so unnatural.
Since I have not been at the house I have much more free time I have been doing some acrylic fluid painting which I have really been enjoying even though it is incredibly messy and difficult when you don’t have a dedicated space.
It is been incredibly fun so I will be adding an acrylic fluid painting section in my creative art gallery whenever I get back to a computer.
Today is the first day that I am feeling more able to put down my thoughts, strike out a little bit to take take a walk and get some sun.
Even while all the stuff is going on I have been able to go to the Pittsburgh Glass Center and volunteer which is way better than I’ve ever been able to do.
I am in the process of scheduling couples counseling with the hopes of being able to work things out.
I know if I can get through my issues at there is A very good chance of having happy relationship with my partner.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that on day two of my fast I am all of a sudden magically motivated to do this article.
I have been wanting to do another post, any post for a while now. I just have not had any motivation especially with everything going on.