Mental health stories of battling PTSD and depression | EMDR report #3

Mental health stories of battling PTSD and depression | EMDR report #3

 Bridge in Pittsburgh, PA photographed as I dictated this article.

Bridge in Pittsburgh, PA photographed as I dictated this article.

Mental health stories of battling PTSD and depression | EMDR report #3

In this mental health story article you will find

EMDR report #3

  • PRE EMDR SESSION STORY

  • EMDR session story

  • AFTER THE EMDR SESSION STORY

Welcome to another EMDR session.  This is journal entry #3.   If you are new to my site feel free to go back to the beginning of my EMDR therapy journaling series.  

You will notice that they are quickly evolving as I become more comfortable writing.  

If you would like to take a quick moment to learn about me as well you can click on my new image at the top right of the page or use the navigation.

PRE EMDR SESSION

I have something to confess. After the intense EMDR therapy session I had last week, I have really been dreading this therapy session.

Yesterday, while going on my normal jaunt I decided to try a walking mindfulness meditation from Calm that backfired completely and ended up feeling extremely anxious.  It almost felt like I was going through an antidepressant withdrawal similar to the experiences I describe in the 3 supplements I used as a home remedy to treat my brain zaps when withdrawing article.

I told my therapist about this prior to starting the EMDR session and she thought something about being mindful of my lower body was causing me anxiety and I have not figured out what it is yet.

But hey at least I didn’t roll my ankle is like my other walk.

emdr therapy session walk through the woods

Oh shit, could that be where my anxiety is coming from?!?!?  

Was I that worried about rolling my ankles? I’m about to find out because I don’t have my ankle braces yet and I am literally stepping onto a trail as I dictate this.

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Side note I just entered the forest trail and I am immediately calmer. 

EMDR session

Getting into my normal EMDR position we begin with the same phone memory as previous sessions.

It was not going well at all.  I just couldn’t focus and after struggling for a while and coming up blank I admitted that I was feeling extremely anxious and didn’t want to be at this therapy session.

For a second, I felt bad because it seems like I was saying I didn’t want my therapist’s help but I realized they know that this is a painful process and she even admitted that she probably isn’t her client’s favorite part of the day.

She also pointed out to me that even though I didn’t want to come I still showed up and asked me why?  I said it was because I felt like this it’s going to help me. 

Thought

What I probably should have said was if I don't get help now I will eventually help myself get out of this world before I am feeble and trapped within my own negative mind.  

If that wouldn’t scare someone into getting into therapy I don’t know what would.

it is interesting.  I just thought of my negative voice as another person and it made me feel anger and motivation to destroy him with therapy. 

Interesting thought.  I’ll have to keep that one in my back pocket.

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I could  tell that my body was incredibly anxious but after talking it over.  I once again started to calm down. I realized that maybe part of my anxiety was from her hand being held in front of my face.  

I told my therapist this and she brought up the idea of switching from hand movements to left and right side tapping.

The destructive side of me said we should just continue with the hand gestures.

 Knowing my destructive side, my therapist asked me if that is what’s most caring for you? Of course it wasn’t and I agreed to try hand tapping. 

EMDR LEFT AND RIGHT HAND TAPPING TECHNIQUE

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My therapist had me cross my arms and alternate left and right hand taps on my shoulders.

I found the hand tapping to be much better in terms of not being distracted and it almost had a calming effect.

It felt rythmic and comfortable so I think him going to stick with that from now on.

 Sterling silver bracelet I found on my walk. I can use it in my art therapy projects

Sterling silver bracelet I found on my walk. I can use it in my art therapy projects

Nine a lot of billboard memories this time around.   The anxiety that I was feeling for most of the session ate up almost all of the session.  I did have a crack of emotion starting to well up inside me I quickly shut it off without even thinking about it.

therapist pointed out that she saw the crack inside the exact moment that I blocked it out like a switch.

CONCLUSion / AFTER THE EMDR THERAPY SESSION

After my therapy session I went on my usual forest trail jaunt to gather my reflect on the therapy session and dictate this article.

Thought #1- Accepting my childhood.

Thoughts it’s easy to blame my parents for the way that I am since they are the ones that raised me.  I also need to remember that their abilities are only as good as the abilities that they were given when they were being raised.

Raising children is hard especially if you’re for a single parent with no experience you have to rely on your own experiences.   I believe that most people try to change the things that they didn’t like about their own experiences and adjust them for their child, but those who have suffered severe trauma in their childhood may be in capable of even doing that.

Even well-intentioned things can turn out traumatic.   

Seperating my positive and negative sides

I have started thinking of my personality as sort of two different people. I do not have a split personality as far as I know because I’m pretty sure split personalities do not know that the others exist and if I am creating these two personalities as a way to understand myself better then it is just a method to understand myself better right?   right!?  😛 Can I get a response in the comment section?  Tell me I am not crazy! 😭

Thinking about this reminds me a video I recently watched about a woman with 20 different personalities none of which knew the others existed.

Having experienced

  • Memory loss from depression

  • The strage effects of antidepressants

  • Hallucinogenic drugs

  • Behing hopped up on adrenaline to the point of feeling like you are watching yourself outside your body

and just my overall perception of  reality I can totally see how severe trauma could split the mind into segmented personalities.

 Mind: “holy crap this portion of me is messed up I need to do some damage control.  I need to close this compartment before this trauma spreads

Neural pathways are probably severed to that portion of the brain but not shut off.

New neural pathways are created to the outside world and a new personality is born.  

Well I’m not sure if this walk is tiring me out or I am being mentally drained by trying to wrap my head around these thoughts.  Probably a mixture of both.🤯

 

Inner child healing really works to heal childhood trauma

Inner child healing really works to heal childhood trauma

The military ruined my ankles, but I found support to help

The military ruined my ankles, but I found support to help